Starting all over again…again

OK, so as some of you pointed out and as others of you may have noticed, I haven’t honoured my promise and I haven’t kept up blogging.

Upon arriving home from Portugal, I had to immediately move out of my gorgeous home as my darn landlady sold the property…that is right…without warning! During this forced move to…no where but friends, family and inevitably back at my mums house, I was also in the final weeks of top secret, conspiring and lying my teeth off; planning and organising my Mums surprise 60th birthday party.

As if those two things weren’t enough to juggle, I decided I needed to take back, or rather, claw back some control. So, I started my own business…well, with a little help from the dreamboat ;-)!

It isn’t fully “set up” yet…so I won’t reveal too much YET. But suffice to say, it is totally random. It is as far from acting as you can probably get. And it is actually going surprisingly well..

However, it does feel like I am starting all over again, that I am out on a limb and vulnerable. I’ve always seen myself in one way, and I’m suddenly having to accept that I have not managed to achieve all that I had expected to and I am not the person who I expected to be.

Growing up, I was given more than most; opportunities to try everything and anything, so I could decide what I loved and felt passionately about. However, despite this, I am lost. What do I want? Where do I want to be? What makes me happy? What career best suits me? If I am not an actor, what am I?? Most people my age, my friends, my sibling, have everything figured out. A clear plan of action that they are going to follow AND achieve. I have nothing but blind hope and determination that I can make something of myself… I just don’t quite have the plan, the “how”, yet.

However, what I do know is that, I wake up every day and I am happy. I enjoy being my own boss, owning my own schedule and not having to ask permission. I am motivated by making my own money, the effort I put in directly effects the rewards I get out. I have control, I have ownership and I have responsibility. If I am not there, nothing gets done; I am not a cog. I don’t dread Monday and I don’t celebrate Friday. I have control; and after YEARS of putting my whole life, my whole career, my whole income in the hands of casting directors, agents and directors. It is so wonderful to have that control.

So starting all over again…again…is terrifying and liberating. It isn’t the end of my career as an actor. However, perhaps I need to take a step back to take a step forward. I will keep striving. I will build myself back up again. But for now I need to give myself hope of building a LIFE not just an acting-career.

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